From Conflict to Collaboration: Lessons from a Hostage and Crisis Negotiator

Guest blog by Nicky Perfect BEM, The Communication Coach

January often brings a focus on fresh starts and better intentions, but one of the most powerful changes we can make is how we communicate when things feel difficult.

During my years as a hostage and crisis negotiator, I learned that conflict is rarely about the words being spoken. It is about beliefs, emotions, and the meaning we attach to what is happening. We all see the world through our own lens, shaped by our experiences, values, and assumptions. When those beliefs are challenged, our emotional brain can quickly take over, and we react instead of responding.

When we are operating from that emotional space, conversations tend to escalate. We interrupt, defend, withdraw, or try to win. But when we slow things down and engage the logical part of the brain, something shifts. We become more curious. We start to see the world from the other person’s perspective. Collaboration becomes possible.

A key part of that shift is listening. Most people believe they listen well, yet many of us fall into competitive listening, waiting for our turn to speak, adding our own story, or jumping in with solutions. While well intentioned, this often leaves others feeling unheard or dismissed.

I often describe four modes of listening: combative, competitive, passive, and active. Active listening is where trust is built. It means being fully present, paying attention to tone and emotion, and using reflective language to show someone they have been heard.

After hundreds of high stakes conversations, my key takeaway is simple. People who feel listened to are more likely to listen in return. Listening is not a soft skill. It is a life changing one.

If you’d like to learn more about Nicky’s work, visit: www.nickyperfect.com. Or you can connect with Nicky on LinkedIn and receive her top tips: in/nickyperfect-communicationcoach/